Grief…It’s Complicated

Welcome to another Tuesday Talks blog. I’m so glad you are reading this. My hope is that you find peace in my words that brings light to your soul. I’m going to speak about grief, but it is a different this time. If you have never experienced the death of someone, count yourself lucky. This is something we all will go through at some point in our lives. In saying that, there are other types of grief. The loss of a friendship or marriage, a job or your once healthy body. We grieve “what could have been.”

At birth, there is no instruction booklet, just like at death, there is none as well. There are literally millions of books and articles written on both of these subjects. All offering helpful tools and mantras, but they are not tailored to your exact experience nor situation. As you read, please remember that I am not a trained therapist or doctor. However, in the 10 years of being an Evidential Medium I have been in front of all different types of grief and will explain what my particular experiences have been. Some who just lost someone, their passings was a few years ago or many years ago. No matter what stage of mourning you are in, you are looking for reassurance. You want validation that your loved one is ok and you are longing to hear from them.

But there is another type of client I come across from time to time. They are the ones discovered something about the one who passed that is unsettling. They, too, are looking for answers. You may be the one who left had no idea the person was struggling with an addition or depression. They wonder why they did not notice what was the cause of this action.

In these particular cases, the 7 stages of grief can roll in several times a week or even all in one day. There is shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and hope. Processing grief is complicated. It is different for everyone.

I remember so blatantly hearing stories about my mother at her funeral. Stories that made me think, “I didn’t know that woman.” I didn’t know that part of her because I was her daughter, not school mate, co-worker or even cousin. We have different experiences based on the relationship role we played in each other’s lives. There was an article I read once that explained that no one is raised the same way. I often thought, I raised my kids all the same, but they are all so different. It pointed out that at the time of your first child’s birth, you had never experienced being a parent. You were younger, maybe finances were different. The second child comes along, you have some experience on what to expect and you are more comfortable at parenting. The same with additional children. We are all at different stages in our lives when we experience things. For my children, they had a different type of grief, because this was their grandmother. I experienced the loss of my mother. Because of the role she was to them, the time in her life as well as theirs. Think about it, if you are a grandparent, the things that may have stressed you out with your children are not as stressful when it comes to your grandchildren. With age, most of us grow more patient, we have a better listening ear. I’ve been called on the carpet several times with my children saying, “you would have never left us do….” See the difference? Grief is the same.

These are “normal” circumstances, but what if things come out after their passing that you had no knowledge of? Double grief, it that even a thing? All of a sudden, what you thought was true has also died. Sometimes, it can be healing other times, not so much.

A healing experience: I had a client a few years ago that hadn’t seen his father since he was 7 years old. No one in the family ever spoke about his father. He had no knowledge of where he was or what happened. All he knew was that his father left him. When he came to me, I offered several pieces of information that when I asked if it made sense, his response was maybe. I remember the message came in very strongly and I knew I was not wrong. I mentioned that I was hearing cold caste, and I remarked how sorry I was to inform him that his father has passed. I questioned what 7 years meant, to which he informed me his father left him at that age. This was unlike most readings I had done at this point. I gently explained that his father had gotten mixed up with some unfavorable people who threaten to kill him (the son) if he did not comply. I mentioned a name, who had more information. Did he know of anyone with this name? His uncle’s, (his father’s brother) name was this name. I suggested that he speak with his uncle to receive more information about what had happened. I also mentioned in New York. In this case, here was a man, several years later finding out that his father did not run out on him. Instead, his father saved his life. He later came back and told me about the conversation he had with his uncle.

I had a mother come to me who was in disbelief of the coroner’s report. The cause of death was a fentanyl overdose. When her son came in, he apologized for taking a drug that killed him. She had no idea that he had ever used any form of drugs. This was a man who was very health conscious, an athlete in school and had plans for collage. This did not seem like your typical person who would abuse drugs. The mother needed more than a coroner’s report; she needed to hear it from her son.

Sometimes, those who choose to leave this earth before their time are able to hide their depression. They are the life of the party. Always laughing and it is hidden until it is not. Some choose to suffer in silence because they do not want to burden their family with their fearful thoughts.

The person who suddenly passes but it is later discovered that they had an illness. They chose not to share the news with anyone. You may have noticed they had lost or gained weight or were sleeping a lot, but it didn’t seem abnormal to the point of discussing it. You may feel a missed opportunity to have a conversation with them?

Some unknown situations are easier to maneuver than others, but they are different for everyone involved. The stages of grief can be a never-ending loop in your body.

One client came to see me was so distraught at the loss of her husband, which is normal. However, when her husband came through, I thought I had my wires crossed and was misunderstanding his message. I remember saying to her, I’m not sure where this is going but I’m going to say what I am hearing is that ok? She agreed. I gingerly tried to give her the message as gently as I could. I did not want to come right and say what he was telling me. I described the message from her husband. He told me to express how sorry he was for the surprise appearance of someone at the funeral home. That was as graceful as I could convey it. She burst into tears and told me while preparing for his service, a woman and her two teenage children walked in and informed the funeral director that she, in fact, was the widow of this man. My client had found out that her husband had a second family that she was not aware of.

Things were found in the home of a father of a friend that was very unsettling. They found several photos of young people in compromising positions. Their father was writing letters and receiving photos from underage children. How do you even begin to wrap your head around something like this? You’ve physically lost your father but now you’ve also emotionally lost the connection you had with him.

A family came to me a few years ago and their mother came to say, the secrets you are searching for will only harm the family. Let it go, do not dig for answers anymore. They wanted answers that I could not give them. Spirit gives you what you need not necessarily what you want. This mother was not going to tell me something to convey to them that could cause further damage. The family, of course, curious to find out asked me to find out. I had to disappoint them by saying spirit will tell you when you are ready, if they want to tell you. I cannot force the answers out of them.

This type of mind-bending grief, betrayal or just curiosity about what the big secret may be is hard to imagine. It is heart-breaking to me that sometimes; I am not always able to offer the healing they are looking to receive. Situations like these are few and far between, thankfully. If they were not, I may change my thought process of offering readings.

I can offer love and understanding in these unusual situations. I gently explain to the client to try to focus on the person you knew. The life you had and moments your shared. This is the person who meant the world to you, this is the person you are grieving. You did not know or could not control the actions of things you had no knowledge of. Give yourself permission to feel all the feelings.

Allow all the stages of grief to come to the surface. Not only do you feel the shock that they have passed, but also in this new information. Denial will play a big role in your emotions. Quickly followed by anger. Denial and anger may plant a flag in your energy for a while. It is ok to be pissed off at the person. You feel betrayed, lied to, or made to feel like a fool for not seeing it. You may bargain with yourself, God, the one who passed, searching for resolution, but that can lead you into depression. Questioning everything you ever thought about this person. Acceptance and hope may be further down the road with a lot of speed bumps, throwing you back a stage or two in the process.

This is not the normal blog or subject I speak about often. When a subject comes to my attention several times, I meditate and ask for wisdom and the words to speak. I believe most of the inquiries are about those who chose to leave this earth before their time, but since the subject is “Grief…it’s complicated”, I decided to expand a bit, so not to leave anyone out. All situational grief is difficult. Grief is difficult.

There are no easy solutions. I do not have a quick fix or even a meditation to get rid of this in one or two settings. This may be a lifelong process of releasing. The direction, I suggest, in my experience is to seek out a good therapist or a grief group that you speak about, all the things spinning around in your head. Tell your story and release the secrets so that you do not feel as though you have to also keep quiet about what has occurred.

The truth is, death on its own is heartbreaking and grueling. In these cases, it is also problematic. The one left behind has all this new information to process. Give yourself grace and time, understanding that the actions of the deceased are not your responsibility. They will have a life review and an understanding of their wrongdoings. I believe they will have accountability either in the spiritual realm or back on the earthly plain in another lifetime.

This is my understanding. Here are some helpful things to keep in mind while experiencing complicated feeling because of this new information.

• Be prepared for a range of emotions. Recognize where they stem from. Give yourself time and grace to process.

• Find a new way to process your emotions. Join a gym, go for a walk, journal about how you feel.

• Be mindful of new relationships. Not every relationship will be the same as this one. Try not to place walls around yourself because of someone else’s actions. You are not responsible for carrying this burden.

• Remember the good stuff. Allow the precious memories you had with them to flow into your memory bank.

• Tell your story. Don’t keep it bottled up. Find a grief group or a therapist to help you work through what is spiraling out of control in your mind.

• Not all secrets are bad. If you share them, they are no longer secrets.

• Dwelling on it does not help you. It does more harm than good. Release as much as you can as many times as you need.

Orson Scott said — “Life is full of grief, to exactly the degree we allow ourselves to love other people,”

Allow yourself to show inward love in a gently, graceful way. You deserve to live the life you love and love the life you live.

Blessings,

Stacey

To watch this episode, join our group on social media https://www.facebook.com/groups/connectingtospiritwithstacey

and click on the episode https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1Evoccw4AW/