A Vision of Time

With Mother’s Day approaching, all eyes and thoughts are on mothers. Even if you did not have the best relationship with your mom, it all started in love. The loss of a mother is difficult to navigate, it was for me anyways. There is a quote,

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you will never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with a limp” -by Anne Lemott

Your mother was your first love, your first connection to the world. While in the womb she was your first blood supply. Your bones, skin, heart and all organs formed in her from her. She supplied you with nourishment, the voice your heard and where you were protected from the outside world as she carried you safely in her body.

After you were born, her eyes were the eyes you saw, her arms cradled you, clothed and fed you. Her voice was the one you recognized first. Your first connection to the outside world where you felt safe. She taught you to speak and to be kind and loving. She taught you how to be you.

And through your life, she taught you how to survive in this world. Learning to read and dress and feed yourself. She was the one you ran to when you fell down to have the pain kissed away. The hand you would reach for that would always be there. The voice of understanding when you were confused. The one who cried your first day of school because you were growing up before her eyes. She had some fear of what your day would be like without her there to protect you. But she tried not to show it, in order to instill in you, the confidence a joyful day to remember. She was there with a hug and a smile when you returned and wanted to hear all about your new adventure.

As you grew, she was the one who helped you navigate friendships, the good ones and the bad ones. Giving you advice and be the listening ear when you had a bad day. Her eyes and her smile where the ones you looked for at special events and assemblies at school. She was the taxi driver, party planner, nurse and motivational speaker. Her hardest job was being the sergeant at arms when you went in the wrong direction.

As you got older, she was your first life coach, helping with decisions and plans not just homework and prom. She taught you courage, strength along with gentleness and integrity. Her arms were there when your heart was broken and helped you piece it back together.

Her hope was for you to be a better person than she. Knowing she had made a lot of mistakes and should have been better. Missing things she should have seen. Speaking harshly because of her day. Always wanting to do the best for you, but feeling as though she could have done more.

As you became an adult it was hard for her to let you go. To her your independence meant you didn’t need her as much. Vigilantly praying she’d taught you enough to be happy and succeed. Her heart sang with every hurtle you crossed and ever accomplishment you achieved. And her heart hurt when you were sad through relationships and heartbreak.

But…Somewhere along the years, the roles began to change. Her well-kept hair began to turn grey. Her once strong hands and shoulders became weak and frail. Those eyes still gleamed but not as bright.

She now came to you for advice and a strong hand to hold, to help her up and balance when she walked. You became the taxi driver taking her places. You cooked her meals to make sure she ate, helped her bathe and get into bed.

You helped her navigate the loss of those she’d known for years pass away. She now looked to your eyes and arms to protect her, to help her feel safe. You were there to listen to the doctors and advise her what she should do to help her once strong body that had succumbed to what life had handed her.

Phone calls and conversations were precious to her. Times with the grandkids and events brought back her memories when you were small. Gentle kisses and hug are different now as you slowly watched her fade away. Until her last day with her remembering the things you said and did. All these things maybe few but still precious. In her quiet few last days, I’m sure her memories of your life together, flashes of moments important to her, still wondering if it was enough.

The thought of her leaving you breaks her heart hoping she instilled enough loving memories for you to last forever.

Because as Anne Lamott said:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly, that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with a limp.”

Happy Mother’s Day.

Here is to dancing with a limp

Stacey

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